I can’t go back to sleep so I spend my time going through old posts of yours.

I begin to have doubts. Maybe I shouldn’t have wrote that letter. I’m scared that my good intentions will simply re-open healing wounds I created. From the bottom of my murky soul I swear I don’t wish to cause you any more heartache. I could write a book of my faults, but today, with this new beginning offered to me I want to focus on changing and becoming the best person I can be.

I want to do as much good as possible to make amends for the pain I’ve left in my wake. It’s kinda why I decided to be an EMT. I just want to help people. No matter what happens. Even if my letter is burned, ignored, replied to with a resounding ‘fuck you’ I only hope it gives some good in some way.

I’m fully prepared to live my life with whatever the result may be. I’ve come to terms with my regrets and the good things I threw away. This is only about trying to do what’s right now. I’ll live in silence with my regrets.

(Source: amesea)

When the nightmare’s over all that’s left behind is the same words on repeat.

Carry on, Carry on, Carry on.

I want to say darkness is okay.

I wanna’ dance inside the grave.

I wanna’ believe, I wanna say, that I tried

To build unimagined bridges into the light.

Hold my tongue just to confess, I’m getting closer all the time.

Face to face with my own excuses, I always find the exit to escape. I want to make those around me proud, proud of who I am. Fall asleep soundly, wake up and start again.

(Source: Spotify)

I’m not afraid.

I just woke up in a cold sweat. The same dream. This will eat at me for a long time. Or at least till the mail brings closure.



Just listened to one of the new Driver Friendly songs and I started choking up cause it’s pretty much me this week.

Which one?

'Bad Way' I believe was the track. Amazing album, amazing to have been able to listen to ya'll grow.

Chevy has been perched up beside me since I was telling my mom about my letter. I had a heart to heart with my mom and told her about everything I’ve done and my mistakes these past few months and since then Chevy has stayed beside me all afternoon and occasionally rubs up against me and purrs.

I’m keeping my thoughts as realistic as possible, it’s nice that my cats care so much.

My cats know me so well and it’s funny considering one of them is mental.

They know when I’m sad, and both nuzzle against me when I say her name or mumble things directed at no one. They’re wonderful.

Spent last night hating what I’d become. I’ve been in a bad way.
A disconnect from heart to my tongue.
I’ve been in a bad way.
I’ve only hurt the ones I care about. I’ve only pushed away the things I keep close. I’m going to knock on the door, on the door with my shoulder to the frame. Let me, let me in. I’m going to fight on the porch with my shoulder to the frame. Let me in, let me in, let me in. I’ll make it back somehow, someway, let me in, let me in.

Clinging to an unlikely hope. It’s funny how different you view the future once you realize you have one.

Just listened to one of the new Driver Friendly songs and I started choking up cause it’s pretty much me this week.

I have done bad things. I can’t take them back, and they are part of who I am. Most of the time, they seem like the only thing I am.
—Veronica Roth, Insurgent (via larmoyante)